State of Grace
by detective-smartypants
Summary: Her hair smelled like coconut shampoo and hope that you remember that smell forever, because that was the moment you knew you loved her. Rizzles.


**I think this layout might be hard to grasp, but I loved the idea of writing something like this and this song was perfect for the idea I had. PLEASE REVIEW. **

If anyone ever asks me this, I'll probably flat out deny it, but I can pinpoint the exact moment that I knew how I felt about her. It had been a long summer and Boston had been trapped in a never-ending heat wave. Throughout the season, we had chased down perps and put the bad guys away, one after the other. Neither of us had much personal time because it seemed that crime in Boston was at an all time high, I'd barely slept a full night all month. Maura was always in the morgue doing her thing and I spent long days and nights between being out on field and in the station doing mines, so our social life wasn't exactly beaming.

There was this one night, though, when the cold air started to sweep over the city and things started to die down a little in the station, she'd caught up with me before I got ready to head home for the night and asked if I could accompany her to a charity event the following night and after I agreed she told me I had to dress like a girl rather than a detective. I didn't find it anything out of the ordinary that Maura would ask me to an event like this rather than a man or another friend, she was an introvert and it seemed that I was the only person she could really stand at times.

I decided on a low cut Gucci LBD that Maura bought me for my birthday last year and paired it with a pair of heels I picked up from target for work a few weeks prior; god Maura and I were on complete opposites. I picked her up at 8pm and my heart might have stopped beating when I saw her emerge from her house wearing a lavish gold dress that fell down her body like nothing you've ever seen. Her hair was effortlessly curled around her face and she held a small clutch in her hand: That wasn't the moment.

_I'm walking fast through the traffic lights, _

_Busy streets and busy lives _

_And all we know _

_Is touch and go. _

The night consisted of a few champagnes, dancing to some jazz, an auction and talking with the busy socialites of Boston. I must admit, I had to be the most unclassy person in that room, but it didn't seem to bother Maura. Nothing ever really did when it came to me.

_We are alone with our changing minds, _

_We fall in love till it hurts or bleeds or fades in time. _

_And I never saw you coming, _

_And I'll never be the same. _

It was the end of the night, everyone was kissing cheeks and saying goodbye and I watched from the side with a glass in hand, waiting for Maura to finish telling people that it was 'great to see them again, we should do this again sometime' and I laughed because I knew Maura more than any of them, most likely they wouldn't see each other until another event like this came along. Typical. She looked in my direction and gave me a warm smile before patting a friends shoulder and stepping towards me. I watched her take a seat next to me and bow her head down to glance at her beyond expensive shoes. I remember she smelled like strawberry's and Chanel no5. I think there was something in the air that night, because even though nothing special was happening and even though I was completely out of my comfort zone, I had never felt so…light. I didn't understand why then, but I do now.

"Did you have a pleasant night?"

I smiled and nodded at her use of words, pleasant just wasn't number one on my list of every day words, but Maura was always on a different level.

"I know these events aren't your idea of a good time, but you've been running yourself off the ground lately with all of this stuff and I thought a good expensive glass of champagne would do you the world of good."

I remember that when I looked at her, she had just applied a fresh coat of lipstick, pink cherry it was called.

"You look happy tonight, Jane."

I knew she'd been avoiding talking about anything with me for that past month, ever since…it happened. She had been making the biggest effort to talk about anything but it, because she knew how I'd worked to hold myself together and she knew that if I broke, I wouldn't make it back to being whole again.

I looked at her and smiled, I don't remember exactly where we were in the hall or anything, or exactly which earrings she was wearing or what shade her eye shadow was, but I can tell you this:

Think of the movies, that first kiss, when everything becomes nothing except that man and woman, when they truly become one, when they finally fall in love. Think of that book you read, when they talk about electricity and sparkling eyes and feelings. Now times all of those feelings by a million and take away the kiss. That is what happened.

Maura looked at me and I looked at her and that was the moment that I realised, for the first time in my life, exactly where I belonged.

_You come around and the armour falls_

_Pierce the room like a cannon ball, _

_Now all we know is don't let go. _

_We are alone just you and me, _

_Up in your room and the slates are clean _

_Just twin fire signs, four blue eyes. _

Over the weeks after that moment, things between Maura and I started to change, I knew that she felt the same way as me, there was no doubt about that at all. But things were changing in other aspects of my life, I knew that loving Maura would be controversial, especially with ma and pa, but Tommy didn't mind at all and Frankie...I tried not to think about Frankie. I notice that when you don't want to think about something, it seems to be all you can think about. It was the time I had a panic attack, I had stayed at Maura's that night, first time actually staying with her while we were dating, and woke up in the middle of the night after a dream about _that night_. She was right by my side, she told me that she was there and she wasn't leaving and that I was safe and that things would get easier, finally I could breathe. But it seemed to get worse after that night and the panic attacks came once a week, then twice, then 4 nights and eventually I was waking up in a state every night of the week.

I can tell you that the only thing that got me through that period of my life was Maura. That would most definitely not be a lie.

It was June that the depression started, Maura and I had been on vacation in California for a week and when I got home things just weren't the same. At first, I just felt a little low, and put it down to post-vacation blues, but after a month I started to feel worse, every single night I thought about him, about what happened to him and how I had to watch. Every night I blamed myself, but I never did tell Maura that. By August, I was at the stage I couldn't move from my bed, Maura was worried sick and she cried for me when she thought I was asleep, as much as I wanted to pull myself out of it, I just couldn't.

She wanted me to see a therapist and she begged me and begged me, but I couldn't. I didn't want to tell anyone about what had happened.

I can pinpoint the exact moment I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

September, a full year after Maura and I had first realised our feelings, we decided on pizza and a movie. I hadn't been well and the depression had consumed my eating habits so I was down to 98lbs, doctor's orders were to eat as much as possible and I went out with a 'challenge accepted' mind on. We lay in bed with a large cheese and ham pizza, watching a horror in each others arms. I was on my third slice of pizza when I could feel Maura looking at me with her usual concerned expression, when I turned to face her; she had a few tears in her eyes. Her hair smelled like coconuts.

"It's going to be okay, you know."

I smiled gently and took her hand in mines.

"I believe that, I really do. I'm sorry about the way things have been."

"Don't be. Jane, I love you. I really do love you more than I can even begin to explain. Things are better with you, you make me happier than anyone could have ever made me, and you make my life feel like it's worth the struggles I have to face. The last few months are a bump in the road, but they don't change how I feel about you…I just want you to talk to me about it, I just want you to be okay."

That was when things changed, I told her about how I felt and why I was depressed, I told her about how I had to watch Frankie die and she was the only person I had ever talked to about that particular topic. It's hard to think about even now, so many years down the line, because he was my brother and I had to watch him die. It hurts just the same.

_So you never were a saint, _

_And I loved in shades of wrong, _

_We learned to live with pain _

_Mosaic broken hearts_

_But this love is raging and wild. _

We had a civil partnership in June.

We adopted a child in September.

I overcame that depression.

Your hair still smelled like coconuts, and your skin like strawberry's and Chanel perfume, and you still tilt your head when you laugh and cover your face when you cry, you still make my heart flutter and my skin jolt, you still make my world stop spinning, even though we're old now and have grandchildren.

Nothing will ever change, Maura.

Even though we're 60, I can still pinpoint that exact moment I fell in love with you. It was the most perfect moment I've ever experienced.

_This is a state of grace_

_This is a worth while fight, _

_Love is a ruthless game _

_Uless you play it good and right_

_These are the hands of fate_

_This is the golden age of something good and right and real. _

_**and I never saw it coming, I'll never be the same. **_

_**This is a state of grace. **_

**Let me know what you think. **


End file.
